You want to know what it was like?
It was like my whole life had a fever.
Whole acres of me were on fire.
The sun talked dirty in my ear all night.
I couldn’t drive past a wheatfield without doing it violence.
I couldn’t even look at a bridge.
I used to go out in the brush sometimes,
So far out there no one could hear me,
And just burn.
I felt all right then.
I couldn’t hurt anyone else.
I was just a pillar of fire.
It wasn’t the burning so much as the loneliness.
It wasn’t the loneliness so much as the fear of being alone.
Christ look at you pouring from the rocks.
You’re so cold you’re boiling over.
You’ve got stars in your hair.
I don’t want to be around you.
I don’t want to drink you in.
I want to walk into the heart of you
And never walk back out.
It’s mid-april and the sun has finally peaked out of hiding,
But the crystals in your bloodstream are still as distant to me as they were in the winter.
The citrus in your tongue is still floating somewhere near Christmas
And the smell of grass is now forced to consume me the way your arms used to.
I have a new set of hands to hold; ones that warm my chest the same way you did,
But I remember promising myself that forever was in your brown eyes,
And his are light as the Mediterranean,
And his daisies compare not to your white roses.